How International Relations Theory is like Getting Chicks at a party

There are two things that will interest and confuse freshmen above all others: Getting girls at a party, and International Relations theory. Unrelated right? Two separate concepts huh? Why are you writing this blog when you should be working, Alex? Well, I'll address each of those questions, with the obvious exception of the last one, in due time. To begin, I'm sure you know what a "parable" is. If you don't, then pickup a god damn book. It's where you use a familiar concept or idea as a model for teaching a new one. See where I'm going with this? I'm going to make you understand international relations theory through your existing understanding of macking bitches! Now, now, I see your point, there is an inherent problem with this approach- it requires an established knowledge of how to mack bitches, which no freshman actually possesses; but let's overlook this, at least for now. So let's map out the key aspects of IR theory we want to understand. Here are the main theoretical perspectives: structuralism, liberalism, and contructivism. All IR theories attempt to explain outcomes in international affairs, but differ in the specific areas and factors that they focus on to formulate these explanations. Basically, theory is a way of compiling information and understanding cause-effect relationships. Consequently, individual theories are less interested in arguing specific points than they are in providing a perspective, or a general way of viewing these points. If this sounds obscure, it's about to get a lot more tangible. So you're at a party, and you're "on the prowl" for some fabulous booty. So what determines your success tonight? In other words, which factors of the party, be they structural, personal, or ideological, affect your chances of getting laid? Let's start with the most basic, the structural factors! These are the material aspects of the party, including house size, furniture arrangement, presence of tools such as alcohol or drugs, male-to-female ratio, etc. Think about it; the psychical landscape and layout of the party will have a huge affect on the course of your hookup! Are they plenty of couches to "relax" on? Is there a porch for a convenient excuse to escape with this hussie outside? Are there closets to escape with this hussie inside? Male-to-female ration should be pretty obvious, even to the dumbest of you. These psychical attributes form one area of focus, and are exactly the type of factors that Structuralism emphasizes. Structuralism is the theory that focuses solely on these material factors, although we can replace the "furniture arrangement" of the party with the geographic factors of the international system. A country's geography has a parallel affect on its hookup, I mean it's chances of winning a war, against another country. Another factor that structural theories focus on is technology. Technology occupies an important role in the development the international system; weapons technology is a great example in understanding how countries fight wars, and explaining which countries win wars. See another parallel? No? Well open your god damn eyes! Technology in the international system is a lot like technology at the party. Alcohol is the technological lubricant of social (and actual) intercourse. As most seasoned party-goers, and all serial date-rapists, are well aware, drinking technology is an essential part of explaining how people get so drunk, and thus how people have fun at a party. Beer pong tables, flip cup surfaces, beer bongs, shot glasses, chasers, cards, ping pong balls, dice- the sheer quantity and usage of these technological agents will consequently determine your chances of getting laid. Think you've got a good handle on the comparison? Well here's one final one for you- alliance structures in the international system. WWI unfolded because of entangled alliances between countries, and alliances are just as important to getting girls at a party. One word: Wingman. A stable alliance, with stipulations not to cock block and to please escort that ugly friend away right now thanks, with another party-goer, is a critical part of accomplishing your seductive goal. Structural theories place a similar amount of influence, albeit with more stipulations about ugly friends, like Nazi's, on alliance structures in order to explain how and why things happen in international affairs.

Now for the next theory: liberalism. While structuralism focuses on the international (party) system as a whole, liberalism focuses on the characteristics of the specific nation involved. It's time to shift our focus away from the party, and onto the party-ers. What personal characteristics affect your chance of a hookup? Probably your looks, charm, degree of obesity, things of that nature, right? Well yeah, no shit. In the same way, the internal economic, political, and social characteristics of a nation determine its foreign policy toward other nations, as well as other nations' policies towards it. Now here's an important point- which theory is right? Structuralism identified some key factors behind your shot at gettin' some, but so did liberalism. After all, you could make a good case that no matter how much alcohol and how many closets are at the party, a girl is never going to hookup with your ugly ass. Then again, you could have a face chiseled by Zeus (he sculpted right?) and it wouldn't mean jack if the party's so crowded that the girl doesn't feel comfortable. So there you have it, the theories are competing, not opposing. They don't seek to disprove eachother, just to provide the best and most accurate explanation of the available facts.

Now comes the theory that people have the most trouble with- contructivism. Constructivism focuses on ideas rather than material factors, which is exactly why people have a hard time grasping it. To shed some light, let's construct an ideal party and ideal party go-er based on the factors we discussed before. The party is at a giant mansion in an accessible, yet unbustable location, it is split 50/50 between guys and girls*, fully stocked with beer and liquor, and the furniture layout is so perfect it's giving off oddly sexual feng-shui vibes. You are a very good looking, poet-athelete who has more than one thing in common with a horse. You go to hit on one of the girls, and you see she's wearing a cross around her neck. No big deal, you think, a lot of people are christian these days, nothin' to worry about. Then, about 5 minutes into the conversation, she had already listed worshipping the lord and saving herself for marriage as her two main hobbies, and you have hit a major road block. Everything else was perfect, but you forgot to account for the role of ideas. No judgement against religion, but there's a relatively strong correlation between loving jesus and not wanting to get nasty. In the same way, the socio-cultural beliefs and ideas of a nation's citizens and leaders shape the characterists of the state, and thus determine its foreign policies and international goals. That girl's opposition to pre-marital sex is just as potent as Sweden's opposition to war. While material factors constrain or enable a nation's choices of how to act, the root cause of that nation's actions will be the cultural standards that determine what kind of actions are appropriate to take and which types of policies are acceptable to pursue.

Hope this helps horny disciples of International Relations.






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